Can you say "Multiple Orgasms"?
...although flowers and candy are nice, traditional presents, why not spice
things up a bit and add a sex toy to your nights of passion? It’s easy to buy sex
toys online. Ladies, we all know that the only way for a man to know
exactly what you want is for you to tell him, so you can setup a gift
registry and make sure he gets you the right sex toys. And there are plenty
of toys that he can play with, too. Here are a few favorites
to get you started:

You may remember the famous Jack
Rabbit Vibrator, which has been a favorite with women for years. And here’s
what people are saying about it:

A customer from Atlanta, GA: I love my jack rabbit! I thought
I was going to tremble for days. A friend of mine introduced me to hers at New
Year's and I just had to have one of my own. Now there's a woman's best friend!

A customer from Georgia: This vibrator is awesome! The moving
beads massage your rim while the bunny ears vibrate (separately!) around your
clit. The shaft has it's own controller, and it gyrates making the whole thing
squirm. It's the best.

A customer from Waycross ,Georgia: My wife had never used
a vibrator before. She was invited to a secrets party by a friend . I talked
to her about getting the rabbit. She had never used one and couldn't believe
that i would allow her to get one. She bought one and it was awesome! I was
very turned on by what it did to her and she was very surprised as well. We
loved it so much that we got a second one. We can only say KEEP UP THE GOOD
WORK!!!

A customer from Washington, DC: My wife loves her Jack Rabbit
Vibe. It puts her on the ceiling in just a few short minutes!!

A customer from Atlanta, GA: Great sex toy. Best I've found
yet. The first day I got mine I stayed on it for hours. I do agree however that
the shaft could be longer and the rabbit's angle isn't always the best but it
can be worked around.

A customer from Jackson, OH: It was great!!! My girl thinks
it was the greatest toy ever created. It turned me on watching her reaction!

A customer from Los Angeles, CA: The rabbit is wonderful,
especially for anal sex. Those beads can make anyone enjoy double penetration.

A customer from Washington DC: Wooooo!!! I used my rabbit
step by step through the demonstration video. I'm never going back to men.

A customer from Shelby, NC: All I can say is WOW! I will never
go back to a "normal" vibrator again! I do agree about the shaft being too short,
but still it was worth buying and has yet to let me down!

A customer from Freehold, NJ: My husband bought me the Jack
Rabbit and got me to reluctantly try it. I'm reluctant no more! I couldn't believe
the intensity of the orgasms I had in such as s short period of time. I kept
apologizing to him as the orgasms rolled on. LOL Now I use it a couple of times
a week on my own and still love it!

A customer from Italy: Oh wow this thing is amazing!!! I use
it all day long during eating, watching tv, and even cooking...oh my gosh can't
live without it into my...life!!!

A customer from Lubbock, Texas: I got to thinking about my
jackrabbit today and had to go home to visit it! I missed waskaly wabbit! It
made me scream for more! I would also vote to make it longer! I have had one
for years and will not be without one! Bravo! It has never failed to give me
an orgasm or multiple orgasms either!

A customer from Dallas, TX: WOW is all I have to say. This
product is amazing. I seriously think I'm obsessed. I've never had an orgasm
from a man and this definitely does the trick. I agree about the pearls not
being able to go in you and the rotation does nothing for me. It's really the
clit stimulation that gets you. I urge you to buy it, seriously!

A customer from Pittsburgh, PA: Great for either a quickie
or a nice long session. I like to cuddle up with it when I am reading a erotic
story, start out slow and low then find myself reading fast so I can really
let the rabbit loose. Love this! Going to send one to a friend.

A customer from Mannheim, Germany: I love my toy. I bought
it when my husband left for Kuwait and Iraq. It works really good hits my spot
each time. I think all women should have this toy in bed with them on lonely
nights

A customer from Summerdale, AL: Great product!! It really
does a wonderful job for clit stimulation. The round and round action I could
only wish the shaft went up and down for in and out motion rather than round
and round- but very good toy--I do recommend it highly.

A customer from San Francisco: I am a homosexual man and I
love my Jackrabbit. My boyfriend and I love to take turns putting it in each
other's love holes. Move over Fido, man has a new best friend!

Double Dong Harness

A customer from Los Angeles: It is almost as good as Addi's
Cock. If you and your man are feeling more adventurous, the
Double Dong Harness may be for you. People love it!

A customer from Texas: Harder! Harder! SO this what it feels
like to be a woman and getting fuck up the ass. ever since my girl friend bought
this we are haveing a load of fun and now she wants to have group sex with me
and a shit load of women heeee haaaa.

A customer from Dallas, TX: When my wife straps this, with
the 3" dildo in her pussy, she is ready to give it to me in the ass. I love
the feeling, too! It is no wonder that my wife likes it in the ass!!!

A customer from London: I asked my wife if I could have anal
sex with her and her response was "only if I can do you first". She was not
expecting me to take her up on the offer so her face was a picture when I produced
the double dong. She was a bit uncomfortable with the idea at first but after
our first session when she lubed me up and gave me a fantastic orgsam we've
never looked back. In fact I enjoy her doing me more than me bumming her.

Here is part two of my favorite erotic poem:

2.
One whole day, the servants made our bed.
Rising at dawn, we left the white hotel
to set sail in a yacht on the wide lake.
From dawn until the day began to fade
we sailed in our three-masted white-sailed craft.
Beneath our rug your son's right hand was jammed
up to the wrist inside me, laced in skin.
The sky was blue without a coudy hint.
The white hotel merged into trees. The trees
merged into the horizon of green sea.
I said, Please fuck me, please. Am I too blunt?
I'm not ashamed. It was the murderous sun
But there was a nowhere in the ship to lie
for everywhere there were people drinking wine
and gnawing chicken breasts. They gazed at us
two invalids who never left our rug.
I went into a kind of fever, so
besotted by your son's unresting stroke,
Professor, driving like a piston in
and out, hour after hour. It wasn't till
the sun drew in, that their gaze turned away,
not to the crimson sunset but the blaze
coming from our hotel, again in sight
between the tall pines. It outblazed the sky
-- one wing was burning, and the people rushed
to the ship's prow to stare at it in horror.
So, pulling me upon him without warning,
your son impaled me, it was so sweet I screamed
but no one heard me for the other screams
as body after body fell or leapt
from upper storeys of the white hotel.
I jerked and jerked until his prick released
its cool soft flood. Charred bodies hung from trees,
he grew erect again, again I lunged,
oh I can't tell you how our rapture gushed
the wing was gutted, you could see the beds,
we don't know how it started, someone said
it might have been the unaccustomed sun
driving through our opened curtains, kindling
our still-warm sheets, or (smoking was forbidden)
the maids, tired out, lighting up and drowsing,
or the strong burning-glass, the melting mountain.

I couldn't sleep that night, I was so sore,
I think something inside me had been torn,
your son was tender to me, deep in me
all night, but without moving. Women keened
out on the terrace where the bodies lay,
I don't know if you know the scarlet pain
of women, but I felt the shivers spread
hour after hour as the calm lake sent
dark ripples to the shores. By dawn, we had
not moved apart or slept. Asleep at last
I was the Magdalen, a figure-head
plunging in deep seas. I was impaled
upon a swordfish and I drank the gale,
my wooden skin carved up by time, the wind
of icebergs where the northern lights begin.
The ice was soft at first, a whale who moaned
a lullaby to my corset, the thin bones.
I couldn't tell the wind from the lament
of whales, the hump of white bergs without end.
Then gradually it was the ice itself
cut into me, for we were an ice-breaker,
a breast was sheared away, I felt forsaken,
I gave birth to a wooden embryo
its gaping lips were sucking at the snow
as it was whirled away into the storm,
now turning inside-out the blizzard tore
my womb clean out, I saw it spin into
the whiteness have you seen a flying womb.

You can't imagine the relief it was
to wake and find the sun, already hot,
stroking the furniture with a serene
light, and your son watching me tenderly
I was so happy both my breast were there
I leapt out to the balcony. The air
was balmy with a scent of leaves and pines,
I leaned upon the rail, he came behind
and rammed up into me, he got so far
up into me, my still half-wintry heart
burst into sudden flower, I couldn't tell
which hole it was, I felt the white hotel
and even the mountains start to shake, black forks
sprang into sight where all was white before.

--From The White Hotel by D.M. Thomas

The Dildo Goddess loves to read erotic poems when she plays with her toys. Here is the first part of one of my favorites.

"Don Giovanni"

1.

I dreamt of falling trees in a wild storm
I was between them as a desolate shore
came to meet me and I ran, scared stiff,
there was a trapdoor but I could not lift
it, I have started an affair
with your son, on a train somewhere
in a dark tunnel, his hand was underneath
my dress between my thighs I could not breathe
he took me to a white hotel lakeside hotel
somewhere high up, the lake was emerald
I could not stop myself I was in flames
from the first spreading of my thighs, no shame
could make me push my dress down, thrust his hand
away, the two, then three, fingers he jammed
into me though the guard brushed the glass,
stopped for a moment, staring in, then passed
down the long train, his thrumming fingers filled
me with a great gape of wanting wanting till
he half supported me up the wide steps
into the vestibule where the concierge slept
so took the keys and ran up, up, my dress
above my hips not stopping to undress,
juices ran down my thighs, the sky was blue
but towards night a white wind blew
off the snowcapped mountain above the trees,
we stayed there, I don't know, a week at least
and never left the bed, I was split open
by your son, Professor, and now come back, a broken
woman, perhaps more broken, can
you do anything for me can you understand.

I think it was the second night, the wind
came rusing through the larches, hard as flint,
the summer-house pagoda roof came down,
billows were whipped up, and some people drowned,
we heard some waiters running and some guests
but your son kept his hand upon my breast
then plunged his mouth to it, the nipple swelled,
there were shouts and there were crashes in the hotel
we thought we were in a liner out to sea
a white liner, he kept sucking sucking me,
I wanted to cry, my nipples were so drawn
out by his lips, and tender, your son moved on
from one nipple to another, both were swollen,
I think some windowpanes were broken
then he rammed in again you can't conceive
how pure the stars are, large as maple leaves
up in the mountain, they kept falling falling
into the lake, we heard some people calling
we think the falling stars were Leonids,
and for a time one of his fingers slid
beside his prick in me there was such room,
set up a crosswise flutter, in the gloom
bodies were being brought to shore, we heard
a sound of weeping, his finger hurt
me jammed right up my arsehole my nail began
caressing where his prick so fat it didn't
belong to him any more was hidden
away in my cunt, came a lightening flash
a white zig-zag that went so fast
it was gone before the thunder cracked
over the hotel, then it was black
again with just a few lights on the lake,
I think the billiard room was flooded, we ached
he couldn't bring himself to let it gush
it was so beautiful, it makes me blush
now to be telling you, Professor, I
wasn't ashamed then, although I cried,
after about an hour he came inside,
we heard doors banging they were bringing in
the bodies from the lake, the wind
was very high still, we kept
our hands still on each other as we slept.

One evening they rescued a cat, its black fur
had been almost lost against the dark-green fir,
we stood naked by the window as a hand
searched among the foliage, it scratched,
it had been up there two days since the flood,
that was the night I felt a trickle of blood,
he was showing me some photographs, I said
Do you mind if the trees are turning red?
I don't mean that we literally never left
the bed, after the cat was taken down, we dressed
and went downstairs to eat, between the tables
there was a space to dance, I was unstable,
I had the dress I stood up in, no more,
I felt air on my flesh, the dress was short,
weakly I tried to push away his hand,
he said, I can't stop touching you, I can't,
please, you must let me, please,
couples were smiling at us indulgently,
he licked his glistening fingers as we sat,
I watched his red hand cut away the fat,
we ran down to the larches, I felt a cool
breeze blow on my sin and it was beautiful,
we couldn't hear the band in the hotel
though now and then some gypsy music swelled,
that night he almost burst my cunt apart
being tighter from my flow of blood, the stars
were huge over the lake, there was no room
for a moon, but the stars fell in our room,
and lit up the summer-house's fallen roof
pagoda-like, and sometimes the white cap
of the mountain was lit by a lightning flash.

--From The White Hotel by D.M. Thomas

Erotica, romance [repeat]
My name is Dita
I'll be your mistress tonight
I'd like to put you in a trance

If I take you from behind
Push myself into your mind
When you least expect it
Will you try and reject it
If I'm in charge and I treat you like a child
Will you let yourself go wild
Let my mouth go where it wants to

Give it up, do as I say
Give it up and let me have my way
I'll give you love, I'll hit you like a truck
I'll give you love, I'll teach you how to ...

I'd like to put you in a trance, all over
Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body [repeat twice]
Erotic, erotic

Once you put your hand in the flame
You can never be the same
There's a certain satisfaction
In a little bit of pain
I can see you understand
I can tell that you're the same
If you're afraid, well rise above
I only hurt the ones I love

Give it up, do as I say
Give it up and let me have my way
I'll give you love, I'll hit you like a truck
I'll give you love, I'll teach you how to ...

I'd like to put you in a trance, all over
Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body [repeat twice]
Erotic, erotic

Erotica, romance
I'd like to put you in a trance
Erotica, romance
Put your hands all over my body

I don't think you know what pain is
I don't think you've gone that way
I could bring you so much pleasure
I'll come to you when you say
I know you want me
I'm not gonna hurt you
I'm not gonna hurt you, just close your eyes

Erotic, erotic [repeat several times]
Put your hands all over my body
All over me, all over me

Erotica, (give it up, give it up) romance
I'd like to put you in a trance
Erotica, (give it up, give it up) romance
I like to do a different kind of
Erotica, (give it up, give it up) romance
I'd like to put you in a trance
Erotica, romance
Put your hands all over my body

Only the one that hurts you can make you feel better
Only the one that inflicts pain can take it away

Eroti - ca
--Madonna

The news is out: K-Fed’s upcoming album sucks ass.

This is the part where you ask, “Who the fuck is K-Fed?”

K-Fed is also known as Kevin Federline, also known as the guy who knocked up Britney Spears and is spending all of her money.

Mr. Britney’s first song, “PopoZao” has been circulating the Internet and the reactions have not been kind. “It’s incredible—incredibly horrible,” said one New York disc jockey.

Britney: See what I had to do to pay for that fool’s crap music? I bet Christina doesn’t have to put up with this shit!

But K-Fed, sitting pretty with his wife’s money, could care less about bad reviews: “I’m not too worried about that,” he told the Associated Press. He says he worked hard on his album and is happy with the end result. “I’ve been in the closet with it for a while,” he said.

Sounds like it should have stayed in the closet.

I should have married the snake instead. At least he has earning potential….”

Chris Taylor thought his parrot was acting strangely. Whenever Ziggy heard the name “Gary” on television, the bird would make kissing noises. And whenever his girlfriend, Suzy Collins, answered the phone, Ziggy would say, “Hiya, Gary”. But the last straw was when Ziggy blurted out, “I love you Gary” as Chris and Suzy shared a romantic evening on the couch. Busted!

After that, Suzy had no choice but to admit that she had been sleeping with Gary in the bed she shared with Chris while he was at work.

Ziggy: Chris, your girlfriend’s a whore!

Last May, Oxford University student Sam Brown approached a cop and said, “Excuse me, do you realize your horse is gay?”

And for that observation, Brown spent the night in lockup and was issued an £80 fine, which Brown refused to pay—causing the police to take this idiotic case to court.

The Crown Prosecution Service recently ruled it would not prosecute the case because there wasn’t enough evidence to prove that Brown’s conduct was disorderly. But most likely, they dismissed the case because it was so fucking stupid.

Which meat would you rather beat?

Mario Carfagno is picky about his meat. His wife, Desiree Carfagno, is also picky about meat. If they had taken their pickiness to a sex club, they might have had a great night. But instead, the two went to a Chili’s restaurant in Florida, and when a complaint over a steak turned into a fight, they wound up in jail.

Maybe next time, they’ll settle for the other kind of meat.

Remember this tabloid trio that dominated the airwaves in the early nineties? And what a story it was: Girl meets mechanic. Girl shoots mechanic’s wife in the head. Girl, mechanic and wife spend the next year in front of any camera they can find. Now that time has passed, the girl is out of prison and the mechanic and wife are divorced, it’s definitely time for a television reunion to give this horse one last, good flogging.

It was announced yesterday that “Long Island Lolita” Amy Fisher and Joey and Mary Jo Buttafuoco have all agreed to get back on our television screens to clear the air. “They saw everything else—why not let them see the final product?” said Fisher.

Joey Buttafuoco, still pretending he doesn’t know why Fisher shot his wife, said that he will use the show as an opportunity to ask her.